Tag Archives: children’s self-regulation; children’s behavior problems; identity and child development

Help Children Get in Touch w/ Their Intuitive Knowing – A Coin-Flip Trick for Increasing Emotional Safety

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By ensuring and honoring “External-Internal Communication Congruence” with children, we really help place them on a fast track to self-esteem and self-regulation.

What I mean by this kind of congruence is when we communicate and act (we can call these external processes) in ways that accurately, i.e.: congruently reflect what it is we truly feel, sense, think, and want (internal processes) to do.

It’s interesting to consider how often we adults actually do this. When we make a decision, are we sure it is our decision? That we are making it for ourselves and not for another? When we answer a question about how we are feeling, are we expressing the truth?

Yes, there are times when we need to use discernment and not disclose certain things, either to keep something private or to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, etc. In this post I’m referring to unhealthy examples that fall into a completely different category, such as when a person’s feelings, thoughts, needs and desires are discounted, minimized, or ignored. (And as this relates to children – not when we are attempting to steer them away from bad habits or decisions.)

Inherent in this practice of Internal-External Communication Congruence is the degree of self-respect with which we honor ourselves, or not. Are we robotically answering with words and actions we think someone will want to hear us say and do, thereby sweeping our own wants and needs under the rug? Someone who has done this since childhood may likely not be in touch with what they are feeling at all by the time they reach adolescence. How happy will this child be throughout life if this continues? What quality of relationships will they have if they remain passive and inattentive to their own feelings, thoughts, needs and desires?

Obviously this is a huge piece related to self-esteem and how we correctly foster it in raising and educating our children. We very much want them to be skilled in asserting themselves in life, but they first have to know how it is they actually feel, what it is they actually know to be true for them, and what it is they actually want. We can be sure to not make those assumptions and related decisions for them (in the right contexts), and, we can help them get in touch with what’s going on inside of themselves.

A simple coin flip exercise I’m about to share will help your older preschool or school-age child get in touch with the subtleties of their own emotions, wants, and thoughts, and also get them connected to their own intuition – their sense of what they knows to be true for themselves – or not; their sense of what is right or wrong; of whether to trust or not trust; of whether to act or not act, of how to act if action is warranted, etc.

Therefore, congruence – speaking and acting in accordance to how one really feels, thinks, senses, and knows – is greatly related to self-regulation. A child who knows and trusts how she feels, and then acts on this inner knowing, is respecting herself. She is validating herself. This is no small thing, as it sets the stage for further self-trust and leaps in self-confidence, self-respect, and self-competence – all vital skills for self-regulation.

When your child is unsure of how they feel about something – say, whether they should invite a classmate to their birthday party who has bullied them and some of their friends in the past but who also has shown appropriate social skills and kindness at times – pull out a coin. “Assign” to “heads” the decision to invite the classmate to the birthday party, and “assign” to “tails” the decision to not invite the classmate to this party. Have your child flip the coin and when it lands, ask them to describe how they feel about the “decision” the coin has made for them. Do they feel relieved? Glad? Sorry? Confused? There is no judgment in expressing the truth of what one feels and acting upon it, even if it does not seem like the “politically correct” response at the time.

In these types of cases when we fear that others may view our decisions as socially awkward, rude, or unkind, there are graceful ways of handling it, and we get more comfortable doing this the more it happens – and I think it’s good when it happens. In our example, a child may experience various kinds of feelings and will ultimately intuitively know what is the best decision. We can help them navigate their emotions and thoughts, and offer solutions, but it’s ultimately their feelings and inner intuitive knowing we should honor. That’s our job, and to keep our feelings out of it.

If your child happens to feel like they want to give their classmate a chance, you might sit down and think of a “script” for them to use to talk with their classmate about the expectations they will have for them at the party. An example might be, “I’d love for the whole group to get along and have fun, like the times when all of us have been kind to each other. Let’s agree not hurt each others’s feelings so we can have a really fun time.” Something like that.

This added step increases self-regulation skills, too, because it maps out ideas and skills required for developing cognitive flexibility – the exponentially all-important skill which is developed, in part and to a large degree, by using critical thinking skills which foster non judgment, compassion, kindness, self-and-other-respect, putting oneself in another’s shoes, forgiveness, solving problems, steps to building friendships, and trying again.

The coin flip trick is a simple exercise which when used regularly can help a child gain insight into, and respect for their internal experiences. Our encouraging guidance for them to act on their inner level of “knowing” what feels right for them will greatly increase both their sense of safety with us, and their own personal empowerment. In time, they will internalize this process without the use of the coin, increasing their skill set for validating themselves. They will also likely lead them to model to others the use of this same process of self-validation.

I’ve worked with children of all ages, including preschoolers, and find the language in our example works well with some 4 and 5 year olds. It’s also helpful to use age-appropriate and well-loved toys for playing out scenarios and lessons in a story format. The idea is to get the concepts across in language they’ll understand. I don’t think we can underestimate how much even young babies and toddlers can understand conceptually, and through play. What is especially, vitally important is our attunement to children. This deepens our knowing them, and children pick this up, so they feel more secure, more safe with us, and thusly feel more confidence in speaking their truth, knowing they will be psychologically seen and heard.

The overall goal here is to make our responses and the activity emphasize how the child’s emotions matter, that we honor what they are feeling and intuiting, and that they should pay attention to what their emotions and intuition tell them.

Note: this post was edited; it was originally published as “Congruence and Self-Esteem” on Oct. 9, 2009 on my previous blog, Our Holistic Kids.

The Ways We Help or Hinder a Child’s Development of Self-Regulation

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Within a period of two weeks I observed two very different styles of nurturing from two different caregivers in different schools.

Both teachers are wonderfully kind and caring, wanting only the best for their students. And, like every caregiver – like all of us – they do the best they can with the skills and awareness they have at the time. That said, the outcomes the teachers’ actions had on their tantruming students had very different results, and I wanted to write about my observations in light of seeing how different forms of the help we provide produce different outcomes…

The tantrums of both children had different dynamics for which I recommended different strategies. The first observation looked like this: Miss Leslie teaches five year olds.  My client, “David” was having trouble with transitions, and had meltdowns during these times and then difficulty self-regulating. He’d get so upset he couldn’t even make decisions. The trouble for David and his teachers was that when it came time for nap, he screamed and screamed, refusing to sleep. His teachers had no true sense as to why this was happening.

We looked more closely at the transition time before nap. There certainly was a lot going on in a short period of time. It looks like this: Recess, then hang up jackets, wash hands, set up cot for nap, set up for lunch, eat, clean up, settle into cots for nap. That’s the routine. (I don’t like that the kids don’t have time to sit upright after eating for proper digestion but that’s a different point for a different post.) Although David appeared behaviorally to be calm up until it was time to set up cots, my sense was that his anxiety level was ramping up at warp speed during that period. His meltdowns seemed to occur because of the extreme over-stimulation he felt at some point in this time period. It was too much for him to do all these activities in the manner of the class schedule.

Even though David’s teachers wanted to encourage responsibility by having the kids do as much for themselves as possible, what benefitted David and ultimately solved the problem was asking them to reduce their expectations of David and build in more supports for him during this tricky time.

What Leslie ended up doing differently had a wonderful outcome: she simply made David’s cot up for him, which involved getting it from the stack of cots, setting it down in his spot and setting his sheet and pillow on it. It took less than a minute. She realized she didn’t have to view it as giving in, or as babying him. She rightly viewed it as supporting him and nurturing him in this way. She also provided more physical nurturance to David during transition periods in general by putting her hand on his shoulder, or reassuringly rubbing his arm kindly, while being “present” with him for a few moments. Specifically, her setting up his cot helped so much that David immediately began transitioning and napping with no meltdowns.

*This simple change David’s teacher made allowed David to experience success in the transitions, to feel a sense of control within these transitions, and to therefore feel good about himself as someone who is competent.* This is identity development in action.

Every child senses if they are competent in something or not; Leslie’s wise support helped David experience and strengthen his “I am competent” schema, which is no small thing, especially for a preschooler developing foundational identity constructs.

The second scenario I observed involved a teacher who was so over the moon about a three and a half year old who tantrumed in her classroom that she unwittingly “saved” him from natural outcomes. By not using appropriate strategies in a timely manner she impeded “Jake’s” abilities to experience problems and learn to solve them.

Miss Jan is a wonderful teacher; she is extremely caring and is a loving presence in her classroom. What I respectfully showed her was how she had become enmeshed with this little boy; that is, she was actually too involved with him emotionally to see that some of her behaviors were adding to the problem of his acting out. She wanted to help him feel better, but by giving him too much of the wrong kind of attention for negative behaviors, and at the wrong times – i.e.: feeding into his tantrums – her overall goal of helping him backfired.

So in this case we agreed that she would jump in less and let the second teacher in the classroom get more involved with Jake during the times when he acted out. Both teachers would be sure to use the strategies I recommended consistently, multiple times per day, every day, to include not feeding into or “giving” too much of oneself to the point that Jake manipulated the staff. Please note: this is not to say that I recommended withholding warm feelings or that I asked Jan to be something other than the caring teacher she is. It is to say that I asked her to begin to see the situation differently, and to see these new approaches to managing Jake as an even better way to love him. I essentially asked her to reformulate her methods of caring for him, without compromising the depth of her fondness for him.

For example, we agreed that Jan would continue to warmly nurture Jake with hugs but only during appropriate times, i.e.: when there was a transition in activities; during play time; in the hopefully rare occasion that he got hurt physically from say, a bump or bruise; and always to reinforce when he was displaying positive behaviors.

These changes caused Jake to act out even more initially, and this was to be expected. Over time, both teachers kept the balance between co-teaching and intervening without feeding into negative behaviors. They and Jake’s parents used all the strategies consistently. Jake developed more “self-and-other”, and “actions-and-results” awareness, and *benefitted from the consistent, repetitive, appropriate, external balance he experienced from his teachers (and parents)*.

The benefits were noted as more stable moods, less attempts to manipulate adults’ emotions, and more compliance. Eventually his tantrums began to decrease and he was not asked to leave the school.

Both stories have happy endings. For both boys, this translated to more behavioral successes which resulted from increased feelings of control and self-competence. These feelings and experiences, in turn, inform their developing sense of self which in both cases positively impacted their social-emotional trajectory, providing continued confidence in new activities and ways of relating.

Engagement vs. Redirection: Creating Emotional Safety for Increased Compliance in Children

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It’s often said that children’s negative or challenging behaviors occur due to one of two general reasons: either the child is hoping to get something he/she wants, or is hoping to avoid something he/she doesn’t want.

That said, I’ve observed that it is very often overlooked that when a child becomes upset, it is very often because not only is he not doing things his way, but also because at this deepest core level he is not feeling the homeostasis or balance within himself that he needs to in order to feel his best – his most safe self. This is no small thing.

I view emotional safety as the overarching developmental goal of childhood. I don’t think we need empirical research to prove this assertion. Feeling safe includes being wholly accepted for who we are, what we feel, what we feel we know and need, whom we like, and how we express who we are. Emotional safety is the essential building block of self worth, self-respect, and personal pride which make up a child’s idea of who he/she is. This counters shame development which highly factors into capacities for self-regulation.

*Let us also note that pervasive shame creates lack of self-acceptance, which when is not addressed in a healthy way through therapy – if not prevention – becomes projected onto others, resulting in unacceptance, judgment, intolerance of, and potential violence toward others. This is why psychological literacy – I call it our PsychQ – is imperative for establishing a global culture of peace.*

Emotional safety is aligned with feeling internally balanced. A child’s lack of internal balance can occur for many reasons. In this article I will share a story about how the specific ways we relate to children impact their internal balance, emotional safety, and therefore, behavior. The story shows why a child’s external environment of relationships (a pairing or group of caregivers relating to/working with the child) needs to be balanced in order to help the child feel safe, and if it is not, how to use a few specific steps suggested here to begin to increase that external “relationship” balance, which so greatly factors into behavioral compliance.

*Please note: In this, as in all of what I write, the words that I use are not used in judgment, but to make specific the best examples for creating healthy vs. unhealthy relationships. We all do the best we can with the skills and awareness we have at any given time. Also please note that I do not claim to be a parenting expert; I am a therapist. I specialize in relationships, and in early childhood holistic mental health and self-regulation. Here’s the story.

I was asked to consult on a common problem for many families and classrooms, in which two caregivers with very different relating styles are attempting to handle a three-year old boy whose behaviors are “off the hook”. Noncompliance, aggression, and attention-seeking behaviors are the norm on any given day, at any given time.

The first, most apparent problem as I saw it, was that the two caregivers were relating to him in very different ways. If I could bring insight into this imbalance to both caregivers, and if they both began using the same methods of relating to the child, we’d likely have more success at helping him to feel more safe and secure in context of this “continuity of care”, meaning: he’d likely feel safer because there would be more consistency in how he was being treated and ‘handled’. Working from the perspective, then, of emotional safety being the overarching developmental goal of childhood, allows us to recognize that the safer this boy feels as himself, in his body, within his environment, the less likely he would be to act out, since his acting out is a call for an intervention to help him get what he needs: an internal sense of balance and security the adults could provide by themselves being balanced and consistent in how they relate to him – step one.

In our story, one caregiver has an inconsistent approach and inconsistent emotions she displays to the boy. She seems uncertain of what to do much of the time. During one observation, when Adam (not the child’s real name) is noncompliant she attempts to redirect him from across the room (“Adam, put the books back on the shelves, okay?”). He does not listen and in fact begins throwing books her way. The caregiver is exhausted from dealing with him, so she ignores him and begins reading a story to another child on the floor. (“He doesn’t listen anyway, so what’s the use”, she tells me.) Next, Adam is on the couch behind her dropping heavier and heavier items onto her head. Finally she yells at him out of frustration and he acts up more than before: throwing more items across the room, running, and knocking objects around.

Enter the second caregiver. She is confident, consistent, firm and warm with the children. She addresses any issues by approaching the child personally and kneeling to their level, speaking eye-to-eye with them, being sure to use non-shaming tones and words. She uses inquiry and humor, sets limits and uses role modeling to teach the skills the child has not yet developed. Her own consistent, balanced, respectful state of being and relating -, which translates into her perception, approach and management of him – is what Adam needs to feel safe; he trusts that she will continue to be balanced and safe for him. So it is easier – far easier for him to have the willingness to comply with her directives when he has this trusting relationship that makes him feel secure – read: emotionally safe. Adam’s non-compliance, aggression and attention-seeking behaviors are lessened at the moment due to this method of engaging which this caregiver provides. But because this method is not used by the first caregiver also, Adam continues to act out in this environment overall. The adults’ methods of perception, approach, and management of children are not in synch at all, and Adam’s behaviors are, to a significant degree in this environment, the outcomes of that inconsistency.

What went on for Adam is true for many children: his negative behaviors are signaling that he is not feeling the balance in his internal world – within himself, in large part because his first caregiver does not have the skills set to be the external source of balance in how she relates to him. Being a balanced caregiver is one of the pieces to helping him acquire this internal balance. This aspect of the child’s relationships falls under the domain of “Attachments/Relationships”, one of nine domains of health and well-being requiring balance – all prerequisites to self-regulation.

So how to understand a more systematic approach to providing the balanced attachment the Adams of the world are seeking? For starters, let’s break the lesson of this scenario down into what we may call “Engagement vs. Redirection”. We can define redirection as a simple, short statement of what we want a child to do differently. We’re basically saying, “We put the books on the shelves now because it’s time to ______(fill in the blank here).” Engaging a child requires more time and effort, and is a mechanism for developing a positive emotional attachment with a child based upon mutual warmth, respect, and trust. It occurs over time, and is the foundation for a healthy relationship. Once this relationship is developed, redirection can be used more successfully. (Note: inherent in this dynamic of compliance is our need to be sensitive to the different types of children’s needs, including their types of intelligence and transition needs. See here and here for three other children’s stories on this subject.)

When we recognize our own need to be a more balanced caregiver, we can use the following “Adam” example to help us develop a personalized system for our perception, approach and management of his behavior.

1.) We approach him personally and Engage – We walk over to where the child is and get down to his level, calmly and respectfully address what he is doing, what he might be feeling, his desires, and/or what we think his body needs (to express energy, for example).

2.) We know two goals: – our “activity goal”: to get Adam to pick up the books from the floor and put them back on the shelves, (We’re setting limits here) and our “relationship goal”: to develop a better relationship with him (i.e.: a better attachment to him). This means we obviously avoid saying anything that will put him on the defensive and not want to talk with us, like “What’s the matter (with you)? Why can’t you listen like the others?” Sometimes we unwittingly communicate with anger and frustration and this can set a child off, so even though we all know this, it’s worth repeating that it pays to be in check of how we present ourselves (with attitude and words).

To make and/or improve that emotional connection, we try engaging him in a pleasant conversation about his activity, and also address how he seems to be feeling, and then set  and explain limits. Primarily we show him that we are interested in him and that he matters. We do this  by being intentional in our approach. When I do this I kneel down, look in the child’s eyes and with patience and warmth I’ll say something like, “Hey Adam, I see you’ve been looking at some books. Which are the ones you like best?”

 The goal of using these intentional specific steps here is to help the child establish one of two different schemas –or concepts- for who he believes himself to be. The emotions of warmth related to feeling respected, interesting to someone, of being liked – these help to develop his emotional schema for his self-concept. In other words, the emotions he is feeling translate to unconscious messages of “I am of interest to this person/respected by her/worthy of being listened to. She enjoys me/likes me, so I must be of value; therefore, I must be good for her to relate to me this way.”

Think about it. What do you feel and perhaps unconsciously process in a similar adult situation? Can you imagine it for a very small child? How they come to develop self-worth or shame (=self-concept/identity)? I am sharing these inferences in order that the reader understand the idea of how an emotional schema for “I am liked. I am wanted. I am good.” can be developed and nurtured. I cannot overstate this importance.

So there are many things going on here within Adam’s awareness, however conscious or unconscious – and they are affecting the way he views himself by virtue of how we are viewing him. Therefore they are affecting the way he feels about himself, and us. We are showing him respect by approaching him, getting to his level, and making kind eye contact. We are not accusing him, rather we are inquiring as to what he is doing and what he likes. This makes him feel good, and puts him at ease, and this is the right track.

3.) We identify things about him. – We say, “Out of all these books, which are your three favorite? Oh, one about boats, one about trains, and one about flying in a plane. You really like things that move, don’t you?” By asking Adam to show us his favorite books we continue to create a sense in him that what he likes matters to us and this really helps him begin to feel a positive emotional connection/attachment to us. In Adam’s mind, because what he likes matters to us, he must matter to us, and this message is no small thing. In pointing out that he likes things that move, we are further helping him to see himself through the lens of what he likes, and this helps to shape the conscious idea – or cognitive schema – he has for who he is. He is now considering himself as someone who likes things that move. This may not seem like such a big deal to us at first glance, but to a three year old, it’s the very building up of his self-concept. He’s internalizing a more cognitive validation of who he is, and this, along with the building up of his positive emotional schema, helps him gain a clearer picture of himself as a likable, respected, interesting, and good person in the world which makes him feel very good indeed.

4.) Go for the activity goal. – By investing time into inquiring about Adam as a person, we began to make our relationship goal. If that feels like a solid foundation –and it is likely to, especially over time, then we go for the activity (clean up) goal: “Let’s put these three books over here and bring them to circle time so we can show our friends what you like. But first, let’s get the rest of these books on the shelf.” We don’t ask him; we tell him. If he begins to melt down, we provide more choices to help him gain a sense of control: “What do you want to do first, take your three books to the circle area, or clean up the rest of the books?” “Do you want to get the other kids together for circle when we’re finished, or should I do it?” Here we are skillfully attempting to expand that positive connection which ideally will both lead us to the next activity, and gain Adam’s compliance with returning the books to the shelves in the meantime.

So that is the goal, process, and ideal result of “engaging” a child. Redirecting a child, say, from across the room, when we do not have a warm, trusting, and in his eyes – safe relationship with him, is less likely to produce compliance, although some children comply out of fear. Threatening, manipulating, shaming, or otherwise instilling fear to get a child to do what is wanted may work in some cases, but we know it is not the foundation for a truly safe, warm and loving relationship. Do we want our kids to use those kinds of tactics on themselves or with others? Of course not, because this is where bullying can start, and other maladaptive ways of relating.

*Remember that our goal is to help the child develop “right relationship” with himself – one that is steeped in self-respect, self-care, self-worth, self-love, non judgment, cognitive flexibility, self-support, kindness, warmth, good humor, and forgiveness towards oneself – this is the prerequisite for developing similarly healthy relationships with others. This is the prerequisite for establishing peace in the world.*

As we use warmth, humor, and easygoing respectful inquiry as a process of engagement, we teach the child to be warm, easygoing, and engaging with himself and his peers.

In addition to using engagement to develop healthy emotional bonds with our child, we need to be mindful of setting realistic limits based on realistic expectations of his age and developmental stage. We should not expect, for example, two and three year olds to sit for however many minutes of circle time, or even older children if they are bored. Recognizing each child’s unique intelligence, needs, and skills sets is key here. The other piece is being consistent with how we handle the part when they don’t comply – our “follow-through”. Also, we want to be present for the child and really listen to him, really see him, and we want to keep our own emotional dramas if we have them out of the equation and be consistent in our manner so the child learns to trust us. This requires our own ongoing commitment to being vulnerable to objective, kind, non judgmental self-insight.

Understanding human behavior at its deepest core level increases our insights into the deepest relationship dynamics within ourselves, our families, and our communities. As we increase our levels of patience and compassion for children, other adults and our own selves, we broaden our collective skills sets for increasing harmony, maturity, and responsibility in our family, school, and community cultures.

There is much more to discuss, but these are foundational factors to “being the balance” for a child.

*This material was edited slightly from its original post on my former blog Our Holistic Kids in 2011, then in 10/16 in The Attached Family, the magazine of Attachment Parenting International.

How a Child’s Identity Schema is Related to Self-Regulation

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Please Note:  This post earlier appeared as an article of the same name for the magazine, The Attached Family, a publication of API, Attachment Parenting International, on 9/5/13. A few edits have been here made for clarity.

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We know that when we engage children personally over time through our warm, sincere, kind and playful interest in them and their activities, we deepen our positive attachment through this attunement to and presence with them, and they are more likely to comply with our directives even if we call to them from across the room to pick up their toys. But why is this so?

To deepen our insights into why children behave the way they do and increase our psychological literacy overall (it helps with all relationships), it’s worth looking at the underlying dynamics of attachment as they relate to the beginning stages of the most important concept a child will ever develop in her lifetime – her identity schema.

In psychology and other fields, the term schema is used to describe a mental concept or template used to organize knowledge. Schemas are dynamic, meaning they develop actively and are self-revising. We all have unlimited schemas that we have developed over time, such as our schema for a house, for budgeting, for an ideal companion, etc. In this discussion, a child’s identity schema refers to her self-concept.

A child’s earliest schemas are tightly-woven formative structures for her sense of self and the world at large – for her idea of who she is, how safe the world is, and how the world sees her. As I see it, this tight web of information and experiences the child begins to internalize in early life is the core origin of her identity schema. I am talking about a child’s first impressions about herself, about who she believes herself to be. This belief is directly related to her capacities for self-regulation as she grows up and into adulthood. For example, her ability to tolerate strong emotion, focus on and complete tasks, communicate well and engage rewardingly with others hinge on how safe and balanced she feels, which tie back to her self-concept.

The first kind of identity schema is made up of emotional imprints, not words, since emotions are preverbal. The thinking here is that we can start to trace the beginning of a child’s identity schema at eight months in utero, when his amygdala begins sensing his mother’s hormone levels. If the mother feels safe and contented, the baby likely will, too. If his mother is in danger or under stress and her cortisol levels are high for extended periods, the baby may experience continued stress, translating to an emotional imprint of being unsafe, ergo, “I am not safe.” This is an awareness that the child won’t be able to recall consciously in later years, yet the emotions are real, and they leave impressions that affect the development of his formative sense of self.

In the early months and years of a young child, negative experiences such as poverty, lack of physical or emotional nourishment, and other hardships may validate and reinforce a negative identity schema. This may translate to impressions such as, “People don’t care what I have to say, what I like, what I want. I can’t have what I need. What’s wrong with me? I’m not good. I’m not enough.” He may feel both emotionally unsafe and internally imbalanced. In contrast, when an infant’s needs are taken care of consistently in loving, compassionate, fully accepting and timely ways, he begins to internalize a positive identity schema. The positive emotions he feels by way of his caregivers knowing and meeting his needs relay these truths to him: “My needs are met. I am taken care of. I am unconditionally accepted and valued. The world is safe. I am lovable. I am good.” The implications for a child’s personality, expectations, happiness, social successes and more, based on this initial schema development, are staggering.

As he begins to understand words, he also begins to internalize the second kind of identity schema – the cognitive schema for who he is. As he crawls and toddles about, the child learns more about himself through labels and the meaning that other people intentionally teach him, such as, “I am a boy. I am a brother. I am a good buttoner. I like painting.” Let’s remember that that he acquires both emotional and cognitive schemas by either assuming them or by being directly taught them. Therefore, it is our very important job to be mindful of what identity schemas we teach and children internalize. The choice of attitudes, words, and statements his parents, caregivers, and teachers use with him directly or indirectly affect the messages he internalizes. In a best case scenario, he feels, “I am enough. Life loves me. I am free to be who I am, as I am. I am absolutely cherished.” Once a child feels both safe and balanced, he is capable of self-regulation. And when he is feeling both safe and balanced in his body and in the world – feeling seen, understood, respected, and taken care of – he is much, much more likely to take directives from his caregivers and to decrease behavioral challenges.

But nobody’s perfect, and we all do what we can based on the skills and awareness we have at any given time. Increasing our psychological literacy can help us make the most insightful and caring choices as we consider our children’s innermost needs and how to meet them. Since our goal is to raise our children to be in “right relationship” with themselves as the prerequisite to being in right relationship with others and the world, focusing on their earliest schema development, particularly their identity schema, puts them on the right track for all kinds of successes over the course of their childhood and adult life.

To read full article with comments in The Attached Family Magazine see here.  This material was first published on my former blog, Our Holistic Kids.

A Manifesto for Non Violence from an Early Childhood Mental Health Consultant.

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Note, this post has been published previously.*  It is worth rereading given the continued violence in schools and terroristic activities of young people.

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A child’s ability to form healthy self-validation is a vital goal of child development. In fact, a child’s capacity for self-validation has everything to do with the development of emotional safety — the overarching developmental goal of childhood, and the foundational psychological element to living happily, peacefully in good relationship with oneself, others and the planet.

To use the word “validate” in the context of relationships, we’re referring to the process by which a person values that which they know and feel is true and right for themselves, and then acts in accordance with their inner knowing in support of their own self and their own needs. As we raise our children to be intimate with what they feel, sense and know, and to honor and support themselves in their knowing, we are providing them with this fundamentally valuable tool for successfully navigating their internal and external experiences throughout their life. This is the foundation for a child’s capacity to acquire the more complex self-regulation skills they need to actualize their potential. It’s the very important task we have of validating a child’s unconditional goodness, and what they feel, think, desire and know — which then tells they are “right” in the world, that their experiences are important and that their dreams are valuable. It’s we — the caregivers, teachers and parents — who largely determine how a child comes to validate themselves. Let’s keep this in mind as I describe “Sarah.”

Sarah is 4 years old, joyful, full of life, and wicked smart. I was called in to observe her and consult with her preschool teachers and parents due to her “impulsive, inattentive, non-compliant, emotional, potentially dangerous” behaviors of refusing to sit in circle time and constantly banging into objects: outside with her tricycle, and inside where she would run into and purposefully, though playfully, try to topple both other children and adults. Sarah could also be irritable and angry, displaying explosive behaviors when caregivers attempted to redirect her and minimize her complaints. Sarah had a typical complaint of wanting to do what she wanted to do when she wanted to do it. She argued that she could in fact listen while doing other things during circle time; however, the teachers wanted all the kids sitting “criss-cross apple sauce” on the floor, eyes on them.

Because of her complaints, fidgeting and refusal to cooperate, Sarah was made to sit in a chair at a table removed from the group, and to color while the rest of the class conducted their weather discussions, reviewed the alphabet and learned the letter of the day. Although this decision to exclude Sarah from circle time appears to wrongly shame her, one of her teachers demonstrated both compassion and insight to see that this form of physical structure — sitting on the chair at the table — with an activity to calm her mind and busy her hands — coloring — in fact enabled Sarah to participate fully in group discussions and add to it with more intelligent, creative contributions than most of the other students. It took some prompting in this rigid classroom, but the staff learned to tweak their expectations and appropriately loosen their requirements of the children, who were then given the choice to sit for circle time or not. Sarah was no longer shamed for being different, and she experienced validation from her teachers that her way of participating in circle time was best for her. Her teachers’ validation of her translated into her own self-validation for speaking up about what she knew to be true for herself.

In the play yard, we reviewed Sarah’s sensory needs that were mistakenly seen as aggressive in intention. The plowing into objects and people instead suggested she was seeking physical gross-motor input in that she displayed no anger at these times but seemed to have a lot of fun doing the plowing. It served her. In addition to creating safe places for Sarah to get this physical input — like jumping onto heavy mats from a not-too-high step during scheduled and play intervals throughout the day — we got her mom’s written permission for teachers to give Sarah frequent, deep-pressure hugs and squeezes as a preventative measure to the more impulsive plowing behaviors. I also made a referral for a physical therapy consult. We asked Sarah to let us know when she was feeling “out of sorts” and to seek the big, bear hugs that immediately calmed her, as soon as her body began to tell her that she needed them. Her caregivers at school and home began listening to her more — and began seeing her more clearly as a child who needed their support to speak up about her experiences and needs. I also recommended a nutritional consult, and as a treatment team, we began incorporating the foods into her diet — and eliminating others — that would prove to seem to balance her nervous system so that some of the impulsivity diminished. Additionally, we built in the time, place and space for her to enjoy more creative, stimulating activities to express and challenge herself, and to learn and teach us about herself: how she thinks, feels, senses and relates to herself, others and the world.

What worked for Sarah is that we were able to see her through various lenses of her holistic health and well-being. By using protocols within the sensory, biology-physical expression, creative self-expression, nutrition, and attachment-relationship lenses, we successfully learned to honor what Sarah knew to be true for herself, and we provided her with more knowledge and supports that she needed to further know and support herself. Sarah learned how to validate herself by internalizing 2 concepts: “I am someone who needs, seeks and gets big hugs and squeezes, special play activities and the best foods to make me feel calm, balanced and safe.” She knows that these are the right things for her. And because Sarah taught her caregivers that they need to listen to her and to fully see her and learn from her, Sarah was able to internalize an aspect of her identity as a person of value in the world. “I am valued. What I think, feel, want, experience and express matters to others. I am worthy of being heard and seen and respected.” She needed us to validate her so that she could further validate her own self. We were able to help her feel that she belongs to this community while doing the right things to keep herself in balance and feeling safe.

You can substitute just about any example of a child’s life situation here. The experiences and lessons will likely be the same: We want our child to know what it is that they know, to honor what it is that they know and, when old enough, to seek and learn the supporting knowledge to inform their decisions further.

The thing is, we need to really see our children and listen to them. We cannot try to make them fit into an old ideal of how they “should” behave, act or be. We must meet them “where they are” and start there. Our goal is that we use and teach skills sets containing “ways of thinking and doing” to support children in being themselves throughout the trajectory of their lives.

Children can and do fall through the cracks. If we had continued to ignore what Sarah was telling us, she may likely have developed increased shame, anger, rebellion and, over time, an attitude of “Forget you, you’re not listening to me. I’ll do what I want and feel good about it.” She might have someday come to validate herself in other ways that create rage, division and resentment. She very well could have tied in with peers who not only validate these emotions but — worse — use them to fuel deeper discord, judgment, intolerance, hatred, retaliation and violence.

To some, Sarah’s classroom experiences may seem small. It may seem like the negative outcomes I postulated are a stretch to what actually happened in the classroom.

I am telling you, this is so not a stretch. This is how it begins: We do not see our children, so we do not listen to our children and then we try to put them under our thumb. This is not holistic child care. This is not the way we promote secure attachment at home or at school.

In another scenario, Sarah may have other tendencies. Perhaps instead, she withdraws — becoming depressed and later numbing out with drugs, food and dysfunctional relationships. Are those fates any less happy for her? In the former scenario where she is  validated for her anger and aggression, at least she feels like she’s accepted and belongs somewhere. In all cases, she’s only simply seeking to keep herself safe. Feeling balanced on the inside by people and circumstances who support her and provide balance “on the outside” do this. We do this. Our child’s emotional safety, their happiness and their success depend on us. The level of peace in the world depends on us.

I’ve seen the outcomes of ignoring kids’ true needs before, and so have you — in the variations of the same tragic stories that we hear about in the media so often we have become numb to them. Do you see that this is an epidemic? Do you see that we can stop violence and all that goes with it in our children if we pay more attention to how we see them and relate to them? It is a simple concept — though a complex process that requires work and perhaps new paradigms for teaching teachers, supporting parents and addressing mental health. We’ve got to fully wake up and act on how this dynamic works for the sake of helping our children grow up happily, confidently, responsibly, and peacefully. We have no one to blame if we do not target this now.

*This post was published in Attachment Parenting.org’s blog Aptly Said as “Want your child to learn self-control? First, teach self-validation” in November, 2015. Both it and this post were slightly edited from the original posting in 2011/12 on my former blog, Our Holistic Kids.