By ensuring and honoring “External-Internal Communication Congruence” with children, we really help place them on a fast track to self-esteem and self-regulation.

What I mean by this kind of congruence is when we communicate and act (we can call these external processes) in ways that accurately, i.e.: congruently reflect what it is we truly feel, sense, think, and want (internal processes) to do.

It’s interesting to consider how often we adults actually do this. When we make a decision, are we sure it is our decision? That we are making it for ourselves and not for another? When we answer a question about how we are feeling, are we expressing the truth?

Yes, there are times when we need to use discernment and not disclose certain things, either to keep something private or to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, etc. In this post I’m referring to unhealthy examples that fall into a completely different category, such as when a person’s feelings, thoughts, needs and desires are discounted, minimized, or ignored. (And as this relates to children – not when we are attempting to steer them away from bad habits or decisions.)

Inherent in this practice of Internal-External Communication Congruence is the degree of self-respect with which we honor ourselves, or not. Are we robotically answering with words and actions we think someone will want to hear us say and do, thereby sweeping our own wants and needs under the rug? Someone who has done this since childhood may likely not be in touch with what they are feeling at all by the time they reach adolescence. How happy will this child be throughout life if this continues? What quality of relationships will they have if they remain passive and inattentive to their own feelings, thoughts, needs and desires?

Obviously this is a huge piece related to self-esteem and how we correctly foster it in raising and educating our children. We very much want them to be skilled in asserting themselves in life, but they first have to know how it is they actually feel, what it is they actually know to be true for them, and what it is they actually want. We can be sure to not make those assumptions and related decisions for them (in the right contexts), and, we can help them get in touch with what’s going on inside of themselves.

A simple coin flip exercise I’m about to share will help your older preschool or school-age child get in touch with the subtleties of their own emotions, wants, and thoughts, and also get them connected to their own intuition – their sense of what they knows to be true for themselves – or not; their sense of what is right or wrong; of whether to trust or not trust; of whether to act or not act, of how to act if action is warranted, etc.

Therefore, congruence – speaking and acting in accordance to how one really feels, thinks, senses, and knows – is greatly related to self-regulation. A child who knows and trusts how she feels, and then acts on this inner knowing, is respecting herself. She is validating herself. This is no small thing, as it sets the stage for further self-trust and leaps in self-confidence, self-respect, and self-competence – all vital skills for self-regulation.

When your child is unsure of how they feel about something – say, whether they should invite a classmate to their birthday party who has bullied them and some of their friends in the past but who also has shown appropriate social skills and kindness at times – pull out a coin. “Assign” to “heads” the decision to invite the classmate to the birthday party, and “assign” to “tails” the decision to not invite the classmate to this party. Have your child flip the coin and when it lands, ask them to describe how they feel about the “decision” the coin has made for them. Do they feel relieved? Glad? Sorry? Confused? There is no judgment in expressing the truth of what one feels and acting upon it, even if it does not seem like the “politically correct” response at the time.

In these types of cases when we fear that others may view our decisions as socially awkward, rude, or unkind, there are graceful ways of handling it, and we get more comfortable doing this the more it happens – and I think it’s good when it happens. In our example, a child may experience various kinds of feelings and will ultimately intuitively know what is the best decision. We can help them navigate their emotions and thoughts, and offer solutions, but it’s ultimately their feelings and inner intuitive knowing we should honor. That’s our job, and to keep our feelings out of it.

If your child happens to feel like they want to give their classmate a chance, you might sit down and think of a “script” for them to use to talk with their classmate about the expectations they will have for them at the party. An example might be, “I’d love for the whole group to get along and have fun, like the times when all of us have been kind to each other. Let’s agree not hurt each others’s feelings so we can have a really fun time.” Something like that.

This added step increases self-regulation skills, too, because it maps out ideas and skills required for developing cognitive flexibility – the exponentially all-important skill which is developed, in part and to a large degree, by using critical thinking skills which foster non judgment, compassion, kindness, self-and-other-respect, putting oneself in another’s shoes, forgiveness, solving problems, steps to building friendships, and trying again.

The coin flip trick is a simple exercise which when used regularly can help a child gain insight into, and respect for their internal experiences. Our encouraging guidance for them to act on their inner level of “knowing” what feels right for them will greatly increase both their sense of safety with us, and their own personal empowerment. In time, they will internalize this process without the use of the coin, increasing their skill set for validating themselves. They will also likely lead them to model to others the use of this same process of self-validation.

I’ve worked with children of all ages, including preschoolers, and find the language in our example works well with some 4 and 5 year olds. It’s also helpful to use age-appropriate and well-loved toys for playing out scenarios and lessons in a story format. The idea is to get the concepts across in language they’ll understand. I don’t think we can underestimate how much even young babies and toddlers can understand conceptually, and through play. What is especially, vitally important is our attunement to children. This deepens our knowing them, and children pick this up, so they feel more secure, more safe with us, and thusly feel more confidence in speaking their truth, knowing they will be psychologically seen and heard.

The overall goal here is to make our responses and the activity emphasize how the child’s emotions matter, that we honor what they are feeling and intuiting, and that they should pay attention to what their emotions and intuition tell them.

Note: this post was edited; it was originally published as “Congruence and Self-Esteem” on Oct. 9, 2009 on my previous blog, Our Holistic Kids.